“Why do I get attached so easily?”
So many different situations can lead us to ask this question.
Maybe you met someone who you finally felt could be “the one,” and you put all of your energy into the relationship. So much energy, that you unintentionally pushed that person away.
Or maybe you quickly found yourself in a passionate, consuming relationship. And before you knew it, things fizzled out.
Or maybe you simply feel uneasy about how comfortable you quickly become with people! And you want to guard your heart.
No matter what the case, there are several possible reasons why you wonder, “Why do I get attached so easily?” And there are several things you can do to become less attached.
Possible Reasons Why You Wonder, “Why Do I Get Attached So Easily?”
1. You Become Attached after Becoming Intimate with Someone
If you feel you get attached too quickly, ask yourself whether sex is a factor. When you become intimate with someone, do you generally feel more attached to them? If so, how soon do you typically sleep with someone after meeting them?
If you find yourself constantly thinking about someone you’ve slept with, hoping that you’ll become more serious, and fantasizing about building a life with them before you know them that well, sex could be leading to premature attachment.
The Solution:
Generally, it’s best to wait until you’ve established a strong emotional connection with someone before you have sex. Sex is a wonderful, natural way to bond with someone, but if it lacks an emotional connection, it could lead to attachment without a foundation.
In contrast, if you wait until you have a strong emotional bond with someone before sleeping with them, sex will build upon your connection. And the relationship will generally become stronger.
2. You Have an Anxious Attachment Style
If you’re asking yourself, “Why do I get attached so easily?” you may have an anxious attachment style.
Often, your attachment style is influenced by your childhood. For example, if your caregivers were “hot and cold” in terms of how responsive they were to your needs, you may have difficulty forming secure attachments.
Your attachment style can also be influenced by other relationships throughout your life. For example, toxic or abusive relationships can cause a person with a secure attachment style to become anxious.
In any case, if you have an anxious attachment style, you tend to crave closeness. In romantic relationships, you may go above and beyond to please your partner, even if that means crossing your own boundaries.
Your romantic partners may also feel overwhelmed by your urge for constant closeness, and by any anxiety you feel when your relationship feels “off.” If your partner begins to act differently, that can trigger your fear of rejection and abandonment.
The irony is, the more you try to force a perfect relationship, the more it may push your partner away. And the more you may act out of emotion to soothe your anxiety, such as by double or triple texting someone.
The Solution:
Know the difference between attachment and love. Sometimes, when we crave intimacy in general and the object of our affection isn’t providing it, that activates our attachment system.
For example, let’s say you’re dating someone new. You’ve had a great few dates, and you see so much potential for a wonderful relationship.
However, the other person starts taking forever to text you back. You try to set up another date, and they say they’re “busy,” but they do want another date soon.
Because they’ve left the door open, yet they’re not available immediately, you begin to think a lot about them. You wonder when the next date will be, you imagine how great of a time you’ll have, and you even fantasize a bit about having a serious relationship with them.
This scenario likely reflects an activated attachment system. You don’t know this person that well, yet they’re constantly on your mind! You think, “If they’re on my mind all of the time like this, it must be special. Maybe it’s love.” But love requires much more. It takes time to build.
When you feel your attachment system is being activated, sit with your emotions for a while before acting. Hang out with your friends. Work out. Do a hobby you enjoy. Enjoy some alone time.
You can even consider creating little “rules” for yourself to help you stay calm when your attachment system is activated.
For example, I have a rule that I won’t “triple text” someone. Surely, the other person got my first message! And I generally won’t send a second text unless it’s an emergency, or I need to remind that person of something.
3. You have a strong dream to build a life with someone.
If you’re asking yourself, “Why do I get attached so easily?” you may have a strong dream to have a life partner.
Because you want a lifelong, committed relationship with someone who loves, respects, and trusts you, you quickly become excited when you feel you’ve met someone like that! As a big romantic myself, I understand the feeling.
You’re thrilled when you meet someone who you connect really well with — someone who understands you. And you’re more eager than ever to start building the foundation for a long-term relationship with them.
The danger in this is dreaming and planning too soon. If your dream of lifelong love is strong, and you meet someone who might help you fulfill that dream (but they start to show signs that they can’t), you might subconsciously try to “fit a square peg into a round hole.”
You might think, “This person is the best match I’ve found, even though they’re not quite what I had in mind.” And you might continue trying to make things work.
As you continue to focus more on a future possibility than on the present reality, you become more attached. By attaching strongly to the dream, you attach strongly to the person you think can help you achieve it.
The Solution:
It’s okay to dream about building a life with someone you love. In fact, I encourage it! But remember your life is more than one dream.
What other dreams do you have for yourself? What else do you want to achieve in your life? What else lights you up?
By focusing on many of your dreams — instead of just one — you’ll put less pressure on your romantic partners and on yourself. You’ll be able to blossom into the best version of yourself. And you’ll become less attached to any one dream or person.
Remember to also suspend judgment for a while after meeting someone new. It takes time to truly understand whether someone is a good match for you. There is no need to get attached so easily from day one.
Moreover, someone might even be a good match for you, yet they’re not committed to building a life with you. You need compatibility and commitment to form lifelong love. And it can take a while to understand if someone is open to a lifelong commitment to you.
Finally, if you love romantic movies, easing up on those can also help. 😉 Romantic movies are often idealistic, and they can further strengthen our romantic dreams which are already strong enough! Getting out of an “I love love” headspace can help you to not get attached so easily to others.
4. You’re Hyper-focused on Whoever You’re Dating
Do you tend to spend most of your time and energy on the person you’re dating or in a relationship with? Do other things in your life — like friends, hobbies, and family — fall by the wayside a bit?
If so, putting all of your eggs in the relationship basket can cause you to get attached easily to your partner.
If we don’t have much going on in our lives outside of our relationship, it makes sense that we’d hyper-focus on our relationship. Because we know that if the relationship deteriorates, our life as a whole will deteriorate. We’ve essentially made our relationship the largest part of our life.
The Solution:
While even healthy romantic relationships are large parts of our lives, we have to balance those romantic relationships with other relationships.
Make sure you still spend time with your friends when in a relationship. Personally, I like to see my friends almost weekly. I’ve found that provides a good balance alongside my romantic relationship.
Also be sure to keep up with the activities you did before you met your love interest. Keep doing what makes you you!
In other words, diversify. To “diversify” is a term that comes from investing, where you invest in a variety of different things to reduce risk. For example, if you invest in stocks A, B, and C, and stock A “tanks,” you still have stocks B and C which could perform well.
Apply that same approach to your life. If you have great friendships, a job you enjoy, passions that light you up, and a relationship, and your relationship suddenly ends, you’ll have plenty else to keep you occupied and loving life.
5. You’re a Victim of Love-Bombing
You may ask, “Why do I get attached so easily?” when you’re a victim of love-bombing.
Love-bombing is when someone showers you with constant attention and affection early-on, with the goal of you becoming attached to them. Love-bombing is a manipulative tactic often performed by narcissists who feel gratified when someone is dependent on them.
If you’re a victim of love-bombing, things might feel great at first! It feels good to receive compliments, have someone do kind things for you, and more. And you may find yourself attached to the other person far earlier than you expected.
The Solution:
If someone you don’t know well begins to give you so much attention and affection that it almost feels overwhelming, be careful. It’s possible they may simply really like you, but healthy relationships take time to build.
Keep your eyes open, and maintain emotional distance until you get to know the other person over time.
Also, feel free to tell the other person that you’d like to slow things down, and take your time to get to know each other. If the other person isn’t a love-bomber, they should be able to adjust. And if you are in a love-bombing situation, don’t be afraid to leave this situation.
6. You’re Relying on Someone Else to Make You Happy
Relying on someone else to make you happy can cause you to feel attached to them early on. So if you’re asking yourself, “Why do I get attached so easily?” reflect on how you feel about your ability to make yourself happy.
Sometimes without realizing it, we put the responsibility for our happiness on our partners.
If they do something to upset us, we feel it’s their fault that we’re upset. If they act in ways that don’t meet our expectations, we feel it’s their fault that we’re disappointed.
And before we know it, we’re giving the power we have over our own mental state to our partner.
By giving away that power, you may find yourself getting attached easily to your partner.
You may subconsciously (or consciously!) try to influence your partner’s actions, because you know if has a direct impact on your happiness. And the attachment you have to your partner deepens in an unhealthy way.
The Solution:
Remember that you have the ultimate power over your happiness. No one can take that power away from you.
While it’s understandable that our partners’ actions can influence our emotions and mental states, we still ultimately decide how we will respond and feel.
Don’t lose yourself in someone else. Embrace your inner power to generate positive, happy feelings on your own. And practice!
The next time someone else upsets you, try to stop ruminating about the upsetting thing they did. Instead, shift your focus to all that you love about your life. All that you love about you.
And make a conscious choice to move forward and focus on the things that make you happy.
7. You Have a Big Heart
Finally, if you have a big heart, you may ask, “Why do I get attached so easily?” Some people simply love people! It feels good to bond with others, especially in ways that go beyond the superficial.
If you love meeting new people, asking deep questions, and simply spending a lot of time with others, you may find you get attached more easily to others. Especially if you’re in a romantic relationship with someone.
This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, provided you’re a good judge of character. But if you find yourself becoming easily attached to people who don’t bring out the best in you, or who don’t care for your heart in the way you deserve, you may feel defeated.
The Solution:
When you have a big heart, you have to protect it. Even if you find yourself bonding with someone special, be sure to not give your heart away too soon.
Give the other person the benefit of the doubt, but let them earn your trust over time. If they prove themselves over time to be a good, trusting person, feel free to become increasingly vulnerable with them.
Opening up to the right people will help you become attached to the right people (and vice versa!).
Know There’s a Way to Stop Thinking, “Why Do I Get Attached So Easily?”
If you’ve asked yourself, “Why do I get attached so easily?” don’t worry! Becoming attached easily to others can happen for a variety of reasons.
By learning of the possible causes (and solutions), you’ll be able to form attachments more slowly. And that will help your relationships deepen at a natural, healthy pace.
The result?
You’ll feel more independent, empowered, and ready for the relationship of your dreams.
